Long explanation

Sorry its been awhile. My life has been a crazy world wind of things lately and I have found limited time to write here. It has also been difficult for me to share myself and my feelings in this public of a venue lately for a couple of reasons. One is because of several situations to go on lately, it has made it very difficult to trust anyone hence I would certainly not want to trust an internet full of people with my personal thoughts and feelings. Another huge reason is I have been doing some personal soul searching and for reasons I cannot disclose here, I felt it best to do those in a completely private space so I could reflect on how I might better be able to explain what it was I was thinking and going through without the muddiness of my first draft if you will. That and I find my blogs are sometimes a bit much for some. They are a lot more detailed and vivid and share a whole lot more depth than the average, run of the mill type blog where it keeps you updated with what's going on in that persons life and what movies and books they have read or seen. Not to diminish those blogs purpose or point, they are more light hearted, easy for people to handle and less generally abrasive than the type of blog you might read in my space. I like to go deep. Its me. I have moments of light-heartness and fun as the people who know me well realize and then in the quiet reflective moments. In the times when most people find something simple and less complicated to fill the space, I bust out with something with more depth than some people will ever go to in a lifetime. Not because they are worse or I am better than them, but because their brain is not hard wired like mine. So sometimes I worry that the things I put here will be misconstrued. That people will take it wrong or judge me incorrectly. I am not writing this blog to be scrutinized. I am writing it to be a release. I am writing it to be something where people can understand me better and I can get there feedback on the situations I am going through and the life choices I have made. You don't have to agree with me. We can disagree on everything, yet if just provide me with a sound base for where you are coming from and why you feel that way, I will always have open ears and eyes to listen to you.

Long and complicated answer for why I haven't posted, but I thought it was necessary. That and I have been so incredibly busy. I have been working like crazy at Nationstar, I have been dealing with the usual household chores, cooking, etc, I have also been writing in my own personal blog/journal, and I am actually writing a book. I am about 7,000 to 7,500 words into it. Considering that the average length of a fiction novel is 70,000 to 75,000 words, I am about a tenth of the way there. I am very excited. I don't know how good its going to be, but I just decided to do it. I have made all the excuses of why not to do it, so I decided, what the hell, I will just get on and do it. That's whats been going on with me. I will try to write more frequently than I have been.

Looking forward

Work has been better. I went tanning this weekend with Elaine. It was so nice. Just spending some girlie time just hanging out and having fun. This week at work is stressful because its closeout but I have a lot of loans which is a great feeling. I am starting to have other people at my job recruit me to move to other areas, which is always a sign you are doing your job and well. This weekend I will finally get an extra day off work, which is incredibly exciting! :) So things are going well. I appreciate the comments that have been made with caring intentions. It means a lot.

Truly, badly, deeply (With a positive twist?)

So work threw me through another loop. As if my life could take any more changes. I will try not to be negative since SOME people can't handle the negativity. You know what, I don't think I care. And if you can't deal with what I say, don't read it! No one is forcing you too. You want to give advice, you want to tell me you would have done it another way, great. You want to be a royal ass about things, well....no. Anyways, I am getting off topic here. So, I was already frustrated about my job. I did not exactly like all the ethical procedures and I didn't necessarily agree with how they had treated their employees but I was dealing with it because when they moved me to renewal they moved me under a really great manager. He ended up becoming my friend. I ended up getting to know his family and they have been a great support system for both me and BJ. Well today they informed me for basically no reason, they are taking me off his team. They are moving me to a different region in the company, I get no say in it and I am pissed. They took the only thing that was working out well in my life, which is my team. Because we had so much fun in our branch, we had such great chemistry. We laughed. We smiled. We knew how to have fun. And now I am getting robbed of that. To do the thing that I actually left Geico for. The thing I really dislike. Which is inbound. It is just incredibly frustrating. I know I need to be turning my lemons into lemonade people, I really do realize that, its just very frustrating. Its more then a little frustrating, it is extremely frustrating. I have to leave the only team that I have really loved with great management. Its almost like Steve is leaving all over again. This time its Michael. And to make matters worse, I will be right across the hall. Literally feet away from him and my team. The people I have gone through hell at the company with and they would do this to me. A lot of you are thinking, this is corporate America, suck it up you wuss and deal. Its just that with all the things I have been through with managers and the way I have been treated, used and abused, well....its hard to try and trust a new someone to get all the things that come with me. Because people, let's face it, I am not the easiest person in the world to deal with. But I am loyal as hell and honest and I truly do always look out for what I think will help the most parties involved and I just see this as a lose, lose. First lose is that one of your top employees is going to be miserable for a time and have to have a new ramp up period. The second lose is you lose her production on a pet project you need to do well or the president of the company is going to be on your back. I think these are several excellent reasons for me not to, but...what do I know. Oh and by the way, I am not trying to be cocky or bragatory, but I am fairly perceptive. I really do pick up on things before they happen and I am great at knowing the outcome when it is still in the early stages. I have a knack for it. So anyone who might tell me that I am wrong. I think that in a lot of things I have a lot of foresight I am not always given me credit for. Anyways, I am rambling now and I am tired. It has been a very long day and a lot of crying has taken place. I just need to rest now and try not to be too upset with the days outcome. On the positive side, BJ and I went to a marriage retreat in Houston this weekend that was a blast. It was pretty great. I will try to focus on that positive and not let bad get me down. Focus, focus Jacqueline on the good! And the funny thing is, that negative little me (well some of the time!) goes into work everyday with the biggest smile on my face, says hello to everyone, knows everyones name. I normally brighten up people's days! Wish they would just consider people's feelings a bit before they make decisions without even consulting the people that it effects the most. I will continue to try and work towards a more positive attitude.

A review of the week of my birth

So my birthday week was horrible up until my actual birthday. The week at work was awful and stressful. I got in trouble for some more corporate bullshit that I really didn't want to put up with and was only a fraction of it was my actual fault. I had a horrible application week and the only actual deal I had to sell was a really crappy one at that, which by the grace of God the guy actually took it, although I have no idea why. 2007 hasn't exactly been my year, so you can understand that I wasn't exactly thrilled with the thought of having to celebrate my birthday at the end of such a crappy week in the midst of such a crappy year. In fact, I was being pretty negetative and feeling pretty bad for myself. I had convinced myself that my branch, filled with all men, would forget to decorate my desk. I thought no one would show up to the birthday happy hour I had organized, a typical thing for everyone to say they would come and then not show up. And above all, I figured that whatever it was that BJ had planned, would be nice, but maybe would disappoint. (That is awful and I just want to point out this had less to do with BJ's performance in the past and more with the growing negativity towards my birthday in greneral.) Oh and I was scheduled to eat dinner with my parents, which I was afraid was going to be at a restraunt I didn't like and they would get me gifts that reminded me so clearly of how much they don't actually know me and one more reason to want to distance myself from them. Yes I know. Awful. But if you want the clear picture of exactly want was going through my head, well, that was it.


Me and my Papa


Aunt Ramona and Mom

So here comes Thurs night, the night before my birthday and dinner with my parents. The first good news was we got to go to my favorite place, Lawrys. I ate with BJ, my mom, my dad and my aunt Ramona. That was actually a really nice surprise to have Aunt Ramona there. Then the dinner was great and my parents got me some really great gifts. Thoughtful, kind and really showed that at least sometimes they pay attention to what I like. It was really nice.


BJ and Aunt Ramona

My birthday started out fairly nice. I got a call from my brother pretty early. He actually set his alarm to call me. It was great to see him really caring about me because sometimes it doesn't always seem like he does. On the way to work I got a really great gift from a friend that reminded me that people can still be really thoughtful and really kind. The best part of the gift? The fact it had a hard written card where the friend had taken the time to write down how special I was to that person's life. It was very thoughtful. Much to my surprise upon reaching work, I found my desk decorated with ballons and a Happy Birthday sign. The rest of the day went well. I ate lunch at my favorite sushi place. I got a birthday crown! :) BJ had flowers delievered to me. He brought up a cake shaped like a flip flop. It was a really great time. Then after work we made our way to happy hour time. A ton of people showed up and we had a great time chatting about work and life and some of the craziness that had gone on. It was great fun.


My happy little decorated cubicle


The birthday kids- Courtney's Birthday was the 28th and Charles the 29th


The happy hour tables one

and of course two

After happy hour BJ and I went home. I pretty much crashed. The next morning I woke up to go see Hot Fuzz with BJ and Lance. We laughed so hard. It was really great. After some shopping and stuff I went with Nicole to get my nails done. Much to my surprise upon arriving home, there were a ton of people at my house to have a surprise party! It was great. I got to see some old friends and new and it was just a blast. Now that I have said a bunch of positive things and gotten some of the bad vibes off my page, I will upload some pictures so you can see some of this great fun! :)

Peeps enjoying Poker

People enjoying company and a movie

And of course the crazy clan that always stirs up trouble!

And see people, I can have fun and can be positive. There is just a lot of changes going on in my life right now that are difficult. Until the next post....

Some pictures to shead some light on the people in my life lately

Here are some fun pictures of some of the people that have been in and out of my life lately! :)

A picture of Michael and Ebony! :)



BJ's cousin, Geoff Platt, came to visit me and we had a great night on the town!



I visited BJ while he was in Boston and we went out for a nice dinner overviewing the Boston Commons and to the theater.



The Backes girls helping me and BJ celebrate up Easter!



Papa and Richard in Papa's new "toy".

Hope you enjoyed the pictures! :)

Approaching.....

As we are mere hours from reaching a week from my birth I find a happier place. Mainly because I am incredibly excited about any day that is solely dedicated to the celebration of me and because I will finally bonus at work! It has been a long 2007 so far. I haven't figured everything out yet, I don't have all the answers I need yet, but I am working towards them and I am walking towards them. It will be great when all the decisions have been made and everything is moving on exactly as it is suppose to. But for now, I look forward to the day of my birth. Mainly because it means I get to be queen for the day! Hope to have more to say soon!

Hopefully an explanation

Someone I care about sent an email of concern, here was my response. Hope it sheds some light.

Umm...I have been going through a lot. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never fall back into the hole I was in 4 years ago in college because I never believed I would actually be able to pull out of it. I came so close the last time, so close to just want to be gone from this place that I knew if I went back it would be even more difficult to pull out of that place. So when I started to go back to that place, well, it was needless to say discouraging. Well, it was more then that. That compiled with a lot of other personal stuff. Work, relationships, family, etc. Well it just didn't help. I am aware that not everyone feels happy all the time, but I would just like to be happy for more then just one fleeting moment. However, I am such a perfectionist and such the person that not only wants to be better, but expects it out of myself, well, it can be a daunting task. I constantly feel guilty for everything I do, feel like nothing I have ever done is good enough or right, and people don't necessarily help with that. My family especially, they don't realize how much I punish myself for the bad things I do. I may not appear to be much that way from the exterior, and I normally put up a front with people so they don't see how much I interiorly torture myself. That compiled with the fact that whenever you get comments from other people like at work or with your family, they aren't normally words of encouragement, well sometimes, but rarely, they are normally words of what needs to be fixed, changed or what problems have been caused. So that's some of it. Its just complicated. You asked me to mention some things that make me happy. Well, I could normally list off a pretty hefty list of things and there are lots of things that make me feel momentarily happy and maybe that's all that's needed to feel momentarily happy, but when there is a lot of underlying sadness, a lot of guilt, well, then it becomes a need to find a way to melt all the guilt away to let those little happinesses melt into a bigger happiness that isn't tainted by the twinge of sadness that eventually overshadows any temporary good thing that comes my way. I know this sounds incredibly negatitive and it is. But it is the reality that normally rears its ugly head into my little world. And everyone believes I am overly dramatic, that I am making a bigger deal out of it then it is. But to those that say that, I ask them this question. Have you ever taken medication to deal with your depression that made you feel so much not like a real person that you hated who you were? Or have you ever struggled not on medication knowing that any day, just one day around the corner, might be the day that something, something so silly, so small might set you off and into a downward spiral that you may never return from? And you do everything in your power to avoid it. Its why you are always seeking to correct the problems before the problems arise, because you know, you know it your gut that that one little problem, the small little nothingness that everyone else tells you is nothing, might be the one thing that sets it off. That starts the spiral you may never come out of. So you keep with your schedule, because its what keeps you safe, what keeps you sane. And then you will level out, you will find your way again, you won't let it be the end, because you know when you do reach your high, your small positive spot, that that spot is so positive and so powerful, that you can change the world with it. If only you could find a way to lock it in, to find a way for the problems to not be problems. That would be ideal. And actually the best thing that comes when you are down and when you are in your downward fall is to hear things like I heard from you. The quiet, soft reasurance that there are people there, that people still care, that you aren't alone and you matter and you have affected people and people's lives. So appreciate your concern. Hope this maybe reflected a little bit on what it is exactly that makes me who I am, the best thing you could ever do for me when you know I am low and feeling like there is nothing good that can ever come out of it, is exactly what you did, reassured me that you are there. That people are there. Make suggestions on what you do to make yourself feel better. It doesn't always help me, but I will try anything at least once. I am just trying to find the great parts about Jacqueline and harness them. Trying to minimize the bad things. Sorry if it sounds so horribly bad. It has been really difficult this time for me mainly because I have never quite been well...this open with my depression, but I figure, if people never fully see it, then they can never help truly. But it is hard. Most people either think I am being way dramatic or that I am crazy. I guess I am a bit of both, but I think everyone is a bit of both, maybe just not quite as much with me! :) It will work itself out. I came to the lowest low I have been at last night, so now I think from here it is all on the up and up. Hopefully this hasn't been too bad of a message. I hope you can take from it what I am going through, what my thought process is and maybe that I do appreciate your concern and your email. It does mean a lot. And just continued thought and prayer and support will help more then you know!

A tad more

Don't know if I can ever be happy. Don't know if I have it in me. Everytime I try to let myself be something comes and ruins it. My guilt, my selfishness, my mouth, something. I understand I won't be happy all the time, but sometimes, for awhile, to feel fufilled, that would be nice. Don't know how to acheive this. I have tried so many times and to no avail. Hope I can be. Hope God can help me to be.

What I can give

Yes the last post was well, not exactly completely out in the open. But sometimes its difficult to just say what you're thinking, because you might hurt people, because you aren't 100% sure what you think, because people let you down, because you hurt, because you constantly want everyone's approval and if you don't pick right, with well....anything, then they might not, or even worse, God might not. There is a lot going on inside my head. Those of you who know me well know that I am a bit emotional. Well a bit would be an extreme unstatement. I like drama, I am either really, really high, or really, really low. I try to make things sometimes appear to be one way when maybe that's not always the case, and I feel really, really lost sometimes. Well I feel that way now. I am trying to make things better, I really am, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off in a padded room somewhere, far away from people. Not able to hurt anyone. That's all I do. Hurt people. I do the one thing I hate, hurt the people I love. Because I get a selfish streak, because I say what I think too flat out, because sometimes I'm a bitch, whatever the reason, I hurt those I love. I sometimes let my fear grip me, keep me from saying what I am thinking, what I am feeling, but where's the limit. I sometimes think I have made such huge leaps in my personal struggles, only to realize that they haven't gotten much better at all. And how do you share when it hurts people and when it makes them feel bad and you wish you cared a little less so you could actually say it out loud. What then? Its everything. And I know I'm vague, but until I know how to get it out, to say whatever it is I am trying to say, clearly, concisely and without fear of what anyone will think or what type of Christian they think I am. Without the judging, without the pointing fingers, that's all I can do, is be vague. Sorry.

Decisions (the hard kind)

Ever had a decision to make that you didn't like, a decision that no matter what the outcome was it was going to be good, but there was going to be an aspect of it that would make it bittersweet. I have such a dilemia, such a decision that I am dreading making, with each passing day it grows closer, nearer and I know I have to make it, have to be adult enough to decide and the crappy thing is, I know the decision really has already been made, I just want to fool myself into thinking it hasn't. Want to fool myself everyday into believing that I can choose, that I can actually pick something out for myself. I mean, I am picking something for myself, I am actually choosing this for me and I should like that and I do. But the people I will be leaving behind, the friends, the people I know will claim they will keep in touch, the many that say that we will hang out, we will see each other, we won't. I will call from time to time and they will give me the general story of what is going on, but it won't be the same. It won't be the funny jokes, the rows and rows of cubicles, the day to day smiles. But I know that it would be a smarter choice the other way, it would provide me with so many of the things I want out of life. I will miss everyone though and it will suck. I have learned so much and I finally have some decent management that cares about me and my well being. There has just been so much going on. So many emotional twists and turns that have happened in my life, so many things that have been snowballing in the weeks previous. It is the main reason I haven't updated my blog. The main reason I have been avoiding phone calls, not making the effort I normally do with people. Its not because I don't want to, but because for once, I am telling myself, be a little self absorbed. Do something for you for a change. And its odd because I know most people think I am really selfish and self absorbed, but oddly enough, I am not. I am very selfless. Or compared to my nature I am. Anyways, it looks like I have another week or week and a half and then the decision will be made. It will be a done deal and I think it might be one of hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I will cry probably a lot. Heck, I cried when I left Geico and I wasn't even that freakin' sad. This though, it was something special. I had made a little family over the last couple of months. I honestly can say that I think of several of my branch members as brothers. Well, I will go now on that note. Oh and for those of you who don't already know, we aren't going to Boston!! I am sad and happy. Some many crazy emotions all at once. I don't know if I have ever felt this torn and pulled this many different directions maybe ever. Hope you enjoy reading. Haven't gotten a whole lot of feedback so if you want to, leave some! :)

Why can't people do their jobs?

I am seriously wondering why people can't do their jobs. Especially when their jobs are to print some papers and get someone to sign those papers. Sounds pretty easy. Right? Well, apparently not. Oh and by the way, did I mention that they get paid $175 to watch these people sign these documents? For some strange reason our title company seems to be having a hell of a time with this concept. 6 out of 11 loans closed this month had similar issues!!! I spent two hours out of my day today doing somebody else's job. Did I have the time to spend? Did I need the stress or frustration? No, not really. Did I do it anyways? Yes, mainly because when I originally allowed them to do it, they screwed it up! Anyways, now that my rant is done I can talk of other things. I am still loving my job, just not loving how I have to do everyone else's job. I feel important, needed, like a leader on my team, I think I am going to start making some money soon, life is pretty good. I am still working on the house. Hopefully it will be up for sale really, really soon. It has just been so stressful and so much stuff. I had no idea selling a house was....well, this much work. But it is and I will tackle this one too and overcome yet another big challenging thing! Moving!! That's basically what my life consists of right now. Working, working on getting the house ready, talking to BJ when I can, and overcoming obstacles. Well, hope everyone else is doing well!

The lonely hearts club in Dallas

Well ladies and gentleman, I have officially joined the lonely hearts club in Dallas. Mainly because my parents are driving me a bit crazy and I have nothing to do on the weekends now. This weekend I was forunate enough to make some new friends with Swing Dancing on Sat night, some drinks at Happy Hour on a much needed Friday night, and today (well Sunday) dinner at my wonderful manager's house, which have I mentioned how absolutely wonderful he is? Me and Julie were talking the other day about him. I guess I have really never known what it felt like to enjoy my work, to like my job and to have fun while doing it. Michael has made me realize several things. One that there are still good people in the world that care and take care of their friends, no matter what circumstance they are in. Two that work can actually be fun, it doesn't always have to be the boring, monotonous ongoing thing, the thing you show up to to get a paycheck, punch a clock and that is it. Three, that they are truely some good men in the world besides my obvious husband that care about their families, struggle with the hard stuff and still somehow make it through on top. I am just constantly amazed by this man, by the effect he has had on my attitude, on my view of life. I often think of some of the things he has gone through and some of the challenges he has faced and overcome and I am truely amazed. Dumbfounded even that someone can go through so much and remain positive in attitude when his natural disposition is to be the opposite of positive. He gives me hope that I can get through it, strength that he and his wonderful wife will be there if I need them, and has asked for nothing in return. I didn't know that people still loved other people like this. I thought I was beginning to be one of the only ones. (Don't worry guys, there are those of you reading this that I know have been there for me and I love you for it!) I guess the best way to describe it is that all my life I have been looking for a mentor. Looking for someone I can look up to that is just a few more steps ahead of me in life that I can go to for guidance and help. I have prayed and prayed and I always thought it was in vain. That God was trying to tell me I wasn't important enough to deserve a mentor, that I was strong enough to do it on my own. And then, here, when I thought He had forgotten. When I felt like I was starting to fall into my dark hole again, He sends someone in my life and not just someone, but someone and his beautiful, smart, wonderful wife. Someone with more life experience then me, someone with similar views and interests, someone with similar struggles drops straight out of the sky when I had given up and they touch you. They walk straight out of no where and into your heart and you don't even know how to respond. Its like a swift kick in the face. And you don't know how to describe it or thank them or even really deal with it, you just know that they are amazing. They give you hope in what you believe in again. And you hope, no you pray, that maybe, just maybe you can be a fraction of as much of a blessing in their life as they have been in yours. That is what Michael and his wife Ebony are. A beacon that I never thought was possible. On that emotional, somewhat dramatic note, I will end this post. Those of you who know me know this is the best way I can give a compliment and Michael or Ebony, if you are reading this, I hope you know what a wonderful and ongoing blessing you have been in my life.

My hate and loathing for PA

Recently, as some of you are aware, I took with my husband BJ, a 28 hr car ride to Mass where he is going to go to work. Well, on the trek we ended up in PA. Normally I wouldn't have had a problem with the shear fact we were in a different state, but since my first trip to PA was not a happy one, I really don't think I would ever much like to return. As some of you may know, recently there have been some incredibly bad storms on the east coast, Mass and Penn included. These storms didn't cause much trouble because they were mainly just on the trees and on the side of the roads, most of the roads are cleared. However, in Penn. this is not the case. For some reason, which I am still clueless to, Penn felt the need to not clear all their roads. And we aren't speaking of some small town roads or city roads, we are speaking of highways. Yes, they seemed to be in the rural areas of Penn., but you are telling me a state that deals with snow and ice on a regular basis doesn't have a decent amount of plow trucks? Come on now, even Texas, where it never snows or ices has sand trucks! There were broken down cars all over the road. Because they were out of gas, semis that had pulled over to sleep, accidents, right there in the middle of the lanes! It was horrible. I have never experienced such a thing! Highway 78 had shut down due to an oil spill. People had been suck there for so many hours they were actually bringing them provisions. BJ and I started out on this highway on Wed. night late. We were almost out of gas, it was about 2 in the morning and we were ready to get gas and stop. Then about 2 miles on it we hit a wall of stand still traffic. BJ tried to move up on the shoulder to see if we could get around it. When we realized that wasn't going to work, we crossed the medium (luckily we were in my car with the 4-wheel drive!) and we headed back about 15 miles to the nearest exit! (Yes, that's right, the first exit was 15 mile back!) Once there we headed to bed to get a good night sleep to arise early for the next day. We left about 10 am. We got back on 78 and much to our surprise it was the same thing. Luckily, about 30 min after sitting in the stand still, BJ's mom, Charmayne called. She found us an alternate route, we should take 80. Upon crossing the medium, yet again, we made our way towards 80. It was in a similar state. After sitting there for somewhere along the lines of about 2-3 hours, I asked a truck driver what was going on. He said since 8 am that morning on 80, two semi-trucks were stuck and they haven't moved them. That was 12 miles up! He said 78 had been closed down due to the oil spill. Finally, after sitting for about 4 hours, we finally started moving about 5-10 mph. Problem then became actually getting off the highway. By this time it was 2 pm and we hadn't eaten since 5 pm the day before! We then ran into the problem that we couldn't exit because there were semis stuck on all of the exits. We were driving on about a foot of packed snow and ice, the road ways hadn't been cleared at all. Finally, at about 7 pm, we made it off an exit and to a Wendy's. First food we had eaten in 26 hours!! It took us about another 3 hours to finally get out of Penn. So total we had been in Penn. for about 12 hours and only gone about 70 miles max! As you can understand, I hate and loath Penn, and don't think I ever want to go back!! (Oh we did make it by the way! Thank God! And I am thanking God right now that I am flying back!)

Hoping a long drive goes okay

Seriously, does anyone know how long it takes to drive to Boston, Mass from Dallas, Texas? A long freaking time, that's how long! Don't get me wrong, quality time with my husband in the car, but wow! I was so unaware. 28 hours and 1 minute according to Mapquest! That is crazy!! I am going to be so tired of driving by the time I get there!! But I love BJ and I love spending time with him, so it will be fine. Plus BJ has said that I can read him a book on the way there, so that will be fun. Oh and if anyone wants to buy a couch, let me know! I think we might sell ours. Lots of crazy stuff going on. Well it will just be a short entry today. Got to go purge some more stuff!!

A day of old friends and good memories

Today, however not over, has been a great day. I got to catch up with my friend Julie who I haven't seen in a year and a half or better, my brother came in town to hang out with BJ and tonight we are eating a farwell meal as it will be the last time all of my family will be together for awhile.

I really will miss hanging out with all of these people. I really hope that they will come and visit us in Boston. There will be so many interesting things to see and do there. I wonder if anyone has an answer for a job that would include writing and reading and would be exciting and new every day. I really enjoy books and knowledge and giving advice.



Oh and speaking of giving advice, I wonder, why do women stay with guys they know are poision. They realize they are bad for them and they think I guess that some how they can change them or make them better or maybe he's that way with some girls but not with me. People are who they are. They can get a little better with some people rather then others, but they still are who they are. They can change themselves for maybe a week, two weeks, a month, maybe even a year, but it will come back. It is their demon, their weakness, and it will continue to be a struggle for them always. If this struggle is not something you can handle, get yourself out. What's the point in staying in a relationship you know is a bad one? I have had several people approach me with this lately. Some I know that is very close to me, some one BJ worked with was going through it with one of her friends, and the list goes on and on. Why do women respect themselves so little to not fight for what they want. Value yourself enough to not settle. Remember, if you end up marrying this guy or gal(it can be guys just as much as girls) it is going to be for the next potentially 40+ years. Not exactly something you want to take lightly. Do yourself a favor, make a list of everything you want, if the person you're with doesn't match with exactly what you want, end it. Its not mean. Let me ask you this question. What's worse, telling the person a month or two months or even a year into it that they aren't right for you, or waiting until you are married and a year or two years or maybe even five years in? Then you have got kids maybe or a house or all kinds of other things that come into the mix and you are much more heart broken. (And if you are cynical like I am sometimes, you have wasted years of your life on a pointless relationship that then will potentially take years to get over!) That's why I strongly believe in dating. If you know the right questions to ask, you can figure out in a matter of 2 to 3 dates whether the relationship is worth pursueing and then in maybe another 2-3 weeks whether its the right guy/gal. I am just so fed up with people complaining about their boyfriend or girlfriend and the same things over and over again and not taking action. If it bugs you so much, don't be with them! Its not like there aren't about several other million people on the planet to pick from. Oh and another thing. If your family doesn't like them and your friends don't like them, guess what? They probably aren't the person for you. These are the poeple who know you the best in the world and you are seeing the other person through rose colored glasses. That's what got you in the last crappy relationship you were in and were so heart broken about. Pull yourself out of your relationship. Think to yourself, if I was 's friend what would I be telling them? Would I say, this is a great relationship, or would I be saying, you deserve better, this person treats you like crap? When you can honestly assess the relationship for what it really is, and really see beyond your intial feelings, you will find just a great depth in your relationships. And they will be so much more meaningful. Sorry, guess I will take a step down from my soap box now. I have just been hearing a lot lately about some wonderful guys and gals in some really crappy relationships. It makes me sad that can't see relationships really for what they are, a job interview for the spouse position. Anyways, hear me and hear me well, no matter who you are, no matter what your story is, you are worth it. You are worth all the little things you think you can't find. You are worth whatever it is deep down in your heart you desire. And if you say, "I'm not, and I have made mistakes, or I will never find anyone, etc, etc." Well those are a bunch of excuses. So wait for it, trust that someone is out there and they will find you. Its all about timing.




Now that my crazy soap box is done, I will move on to explaining the pictures. They are Richard and BJ playing games. What the boys do best! :) I am so glad to have great friends and family like these. It was a great day and I hope to have more like them in Boston when they all come to visit! :) Hope anyone who has a friend who needs to hear this advice passes it along and anyone who is reading and needs this advice, don't be too bull-headed to take it. Love you guys! :)

Cheers to Better times

Today was a better day. Not better because of anything in particular, just better in general. I guess I was just in a better place today. Lately I have been thinking about things. Big things, important things, life altering things and maybe I will feel better if I have them in writing. Have a place to write about them and comments will or will not follow from others. I have been thinking about my "soul career". I was reading an article the other day and it was talking about soul careers and I thought it was a wonderful idea and since my New Years resolution was finding a job I actually like and enjoy, it seemed like the perfect article for me. I have just been reaffirming something lately that has come across my mind again and again, I was called to something more, to do something more, be something more. For instance, I really don't mind my job. I get fed up with the company's stupid tactics, I dislike some of the rules and regulations that govern me and sometimes the lack of enforcement of those same rules, but generally, its not all that bad. So why is it, I still feel lacking? Still feel in the pit of my stomach something that says, you know what, there is more out there for the taking. Find it. Get it. I don't really know what "it" is. I think it involves reading and writing and books and other people and my love for other people. Yet how do you take those items and make it into a career? How to you dedicate yourself enough to actually sit down and really make a point to change something that drastic and huge in your life. Guess I have just been going through a lot of changes lately.

I have come to see my relationships changing, the way I view the world a bit different, myself, just so many changes. I am thrusting myself into a whole new world, an entirely new environment going to Boston, I am going to start from scratch. Which could be a perfectly good thing, and then again, in some ways, it is an insanely bad thing too. More good then bad though, I know deep down, this is something I need to do. For me. I get so torn sometimes. For months I have been stressing and fretting and praying and stressing again and for months I haven't had an answer. I have prayed with my whole heart that God would make the path clear, and it wasn't maybe crystal clear, but he opened the doors. And at the same time, I have been dealing with this big change at my job. This whole new department, whole new management. I was at the edge of my rope with Nationstar. I was pretty much done. I was hanging onto the job for a paycheck. They moved me. They have provided me with one of the best managers I have ever had. He is funny and a hard worker and everything really you could want in a boss. And I feel so guilty for leaving him behind. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Is that a curse, my caring? I just don't know any other way. BJ tells me I shouldn't trust people (well at least not right way), I shouldn't trust the good in them, but I want to anyways. I truly believe there is some good in there somewhere, it just needs to be brought out, needs to be nutured. Yet, I do, I feel this overwhelming sense of loyalty to him. Like somehow he is going to be very disappointed when I leave. And over and over and over people have told me care about myself, look out for number one, don't worry about the company or your manager, and I do though. Michael deserves more then me walking out on him like that. So far, he has been my manager for a month and a half. In that month, he has taught me more, pushed me harder and brought my focus back, more then any other manager I could ever imagine. I think BJ is that type of manager. I went to pick him up tonight from his last day at Potbelly. When I got there and he got ready to say goodbye, I watched as the people that worked there thanked him, watched them hug him goodbye. Some cried, some told him to keep in touch, others smiled and waved, but you could see the respect in their eyes. Wow, what a rare thing in this world. Someone who is respected and for the right reasons. I know when the time comes for me to say goodbye, Michael will understand and he will probably roll on like he does and keep doing business, not getting caught up in the little things, but I hope deep down he misses me like I will miss him. People of his caliber, like BJ's caliber and Dad Platt, well, they are few and far to come by. When they walk into your life you cherish them. You see them for who they are, respect them with everything you have and take away a lifetime of wonderful lessons and memories. I hope I find a way to sort through everything I am going through. I hope I find my soul career, the thing that calls me to the higher plane. Its out there, I just need to continue seeking after it, looking forward to the times I am facing now and to better times ahead. Life is filled with struggle and heartache, but without the bad times, how would we ever know how to cherish and appreciate the good.

Stressful thoughts of a deranged mind

So here is my first official post. I am warning all of those who read it, it might be mispelled, it might sound crazy, which I guess I am, but it is all me! :) So today was an absolute horrible day. Well, maybe not horrible, but pretty darn bad. It was one of those days from the second you wake up in the morning with puffy eyes that hurt, you know its going to be bad. It has been a stressful couple of months with the are we moving to Boston, we are, we aren't, we are again. That, selling the house, moving departments at work, dealing with BJ being far away from me in a matter of days scares the living hell out of me. I am so excited to start a new chapter in my life, to experience places and things like never before. But not being able to hang out with my family, not being able to go catch a free meal or just being around some people who although drive me quite crazy at times, I really love and love to be around. It scares me a lot. A whole lot. I am truthfully giving up everything I have ever known. That and I feel pretty alone. I love all my friends, they are absolutely wonderful people, but I have always been an intense person, someone who isn't the easiest person to be around all the time, someone who always goes into depth, someone who might not be the first person you think to invite to a party, but someone everyone likes. Somehow I have this inate ability to stick in people's heads. They rarely forget me, but they don't remember to call, or invite me places or listen to me when I need to chat. I have come to rely solely on BJ for that. And I am about to not have that. Not have that comforting voice and arms when I need them. He is about to be a 24 hour drive away. It is all this, this cumlination of things that have wrapped into this tight ball of stress and terror and frustration. I read the most wonderful book the other day, well I finished it the other day. Its called Blue Like Jazz. It talks about people and how we have to love people and ideas about religion and just all these wonderful things. He is my voice. He is saying what I have been saying for years. He has liberated me from the depths that "religion" had bonded me. I don't feel guilt or shame because I know, day in, day out, I am doing exactly what is asked and then some. Maybe this is a crazy first entry, maybe this is too intense, too crazy for a blog, but you know what. Its my blog and I am more or less looking at this as a release anyways. I will write about anything and everything here so here is a warning. To the faint of heart, if you offend easily, don't read it. The things written here are an expression of me. They are simply my way of working out the things in my head. I am not suggesting you are wrong in any kind of way, just putting up some other thoughts, other opinions to make you see someone else's point of view. I hope you keep on reading and enjoy. I think you will be surprised to find a lot of depth, a lot of wisdom entwined in the contents of these pages.