Hopefully an explanation

Someone I care about sent an email of concern, here was my response. Hope it sheds some light.

Umm...I have been going through a lot. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never fall back into the hole I was in 4 years ago in college because I never believed I would actually be able to pull out of it. I came so close the last time, so close to just want to be gone from this place that I knew if I went back it would be even more difficult to pull out of that place. So when I started to go back to that place, well, it was needless to say discouraging. Well, it was more then that. That compiled with a lot of other personal stuff. Work, relationships, family, etc. Well it just didn't help. I am aware that not everyone feels happy all the time, but I would just like to be happy for more then just one fleeting moment. However, I am such a perfectionist and such the person that not only wants to be better, but expects it out of myself, well, it can be a daunting task. I constantly feel guilty for everything I do, feel like nothing I have ever done is good enough or right, and people don't necessarily help with that. My family especially, they don't realize how much I punish myself for the bad things I do. I may not appear to be much that way from the exterior, and I normally put up a front with people so they don't see how much I interiorly torture myself. That compiled with the fact that whenever you get comments from other people like at work or with your family, they aren't normally words of encouragement, well sometimes, but rarely, they are normally words of what needs to be fixed, changed or what problems have been caused. So that's some of it. Its just complicated. You asked me to mention some things that make me happy. Well, I could normally list off a pretty hefty list of things and there are lots of things that make me feel momentarily happy and maybe that's all that's needed to feel momentarily happy, but when there is a lot of underlying sadness, a lot of guilt, well, then it becomes a need to find a way to melt all the guilt away to let those little happinesses melt into a bigger happiness that isn't tainted by the twinge of sadness that eventually overshadows any temporary good thing that comes my way. I know this sounds incredibly negatitive and it is. But it is the reality that normally rears its ugly head into my little world. And everyone believes I am overly dramatic, that I am making a bigger deal out of it then it is. But to those that say that, I ask them this question. Have you ever taken medication to deal with your depression that made you feel so much not like a real person that you hated who you were? Or have you ever struggled not on medication knowing that any day, just one day around the corner, might be the day that something, something so silly, so small might set you off and into a downward spiral that you may never return from? And you do everything in your power to avoid it. Its why you are always seeking to correct the problems before the problems arise, because you know, you know it your gut that that one little problem, the small little nothingness that everyone else tells you is nothing, might be the one thing that sets it off. That starts the spiral you may never come out of. So you keep with your schedule, because its what keeps you safe, what keeps you sane. And then you will level out, you will find your way again, you won't let it be the end, because you know when you do reach your high, your small positive spot, that that spot is so positive and so powerful, that you can change the world with it. If only you could find a way to lock it in, to find a way for the problems to not be problems. That would be ideal. And actually the best thing that comes when you are down and when you are in your downward fall is to hear things like I heard from you. The quiet, soft reasurance that there are people there, that people still care, that you aren't alone and you matter and you have affected people and people's lives. So appreciate your concern. Hope this maybe reflected a little bit on what it is exactly that makes me who I am, the best thing you could ever do for me when you know I am low and feeling like there is nothing good that can ever come out of it, is exactly what you did, reassured me that you are there. That people are there. Make suggestions on what you do to make yourself feel better. It doesn't always help me, but I will try anything at least once. I am just trying to find the great parts about Jacqueline and harness them. Trying to minimize the bad things. Sorry if it sounds so horribly bad. It has been really difficult this time for me mainly because I have never quite been well...this open with my depression, but I figure, if people never fully see it, then they can never help truly. But it is hard. Most people either think I am being way dramatic or that I am crazy. I guess I am a bit of both, but I think everyone is a bit of both, maybe just not quite as much with me! :) It will work itself out. I came to the lowest low I have been at last night, so now I think from here it is all on the up and up. Hopefully this hasn't been too bad of a message. I hope you can take from it what I am going through, what my thought process is and maybe that I do appreciate your concern and your email. It does mean a lot. And just continued thought and prayer and support will help more then you know!